Tuesday, October 9, 2007

It's been a while

Well, it;s been awhile since I was able to blog. Mostly because I got self conscious about my blog. I found out that anyone could read it. That kind of threw me off. I wanted to write free from my head without anyone really knowing. I know that my family would know, but complete strangers kind of was weird. So, I have overcome my fear and have decided to continue to write for myself and anyone else can just be patient and understand that I am going through a change and I really don't know what is going to happen. It is what it is. A change, a metamorphosis, if you will.
Lately I have kind of gotten through the everything is new again and on to the settling in phase. This weekend was kind of hard to be away from everyone. I am truly proud of Shannon, Jared, and Sharalyn for running the Chicago marathon. This is something that I know was huge in there life, but it left me in a spot. To be selfish for a moment, no one was here to hang out with me. It was just me doing nothing. I was a little bored and I just couldn't get into my groove. There it is, I am done self loathing. Proud of you guys, just don't ever leave me by myself again. Just kidding.
This week I truly have been thinking of things I could do to be original. There are just so many things to choose from. I like the ocean, but I am not really that good at surfing and such. I like it, love it actually, but I still have that fear of the unkown when I am out there. I love the mountains and have grown more comfortable with time, but do I really care about the enviorment that much? I think that I am going to go with the ocean for a while. Get used to the cold water, the powerful waves, and get used to the currents and beach life. It truly is a way of life. Here is where I am at right now, I want to set a goal of winning a "B" card on the beach and get used to the water enough to overcome some fear and be a decent surfer. Not crazy, but get up, move side to side, and feel comfortable with waves of some size. So there it is. All this has come from spending more time at the beach and what really did it was seeing Scott do the paddle board championships. When he was finished with the race he came out of the water covered in oil from the big ships. I wouldn't say that I want to be some great activist, but I would like to learn enough to be well informed and give back a little. We shall see how this goes.
I feel like I am starting to transform. I am listening to different music, I am reading more, and I feel like I am coming through a almost purifying effect. I am caring for things more. We shall see the transformation and how it comes out. I still struggle with the ability to overachieve. When I played sports, things came naturally and I did well because it was just easy for me. I really didn't have to work at it. Now, however, I have to teach myself to be an overachiever, Do the above and beyond stuff to be the best. This is why I try to challenge myself. Take on what I think is impossible, and really dig deep and become extremely proficient at it.
I need to get good at this to have success. Thank you all for your support and we'll see what I can come up with. - Steven

1 comment:

redstarmama said...

You have no idea how much better I felt about myself when I received your invitation. Whew! Now I can uncurl from the fetal position and stop rocking back and forth. Life after divorce is a strange thing, Steven. It takes a while to get used to and it takes a while to find yourself again, separate from a spouse. Stick with it. You'll get there.